By Peter Murphy

Introductory comments by Royane Real

Have you ever wondered why the fear of rejection is so powerful?

Human beings are born needing the acceptance and approval of other people.

Because we have a very deep need for connection and acceptance from other people, we can experience terrible emotional and even physical pain if we think we are being rejected by someone we love.  Even the idea of being rejected by someone we barely know can trigger intense fears of abandonment and hurt in some of us.  For some people, the fear of being rejected is so strong that they are crippled emotionally and socially.

They don't dare ask another person on a date, or out for coffe because they fear they might get rejected.  Instead, they stay paralyzed and stuck and lonely.  

How can we overcome the fear of rejection?  To overcome rejection fears, we will need to change some of our beliefs and we will need to change some of our behaviours too.

If you suffer from a fear of rejection, there are specific things you can do to overcome this fear.   Sometimes, the best way to overcome a fear of rejection is to see a wise counsellor who is experienced in helping people successfully with this problem.

In some cases, a fear of rejection can be reduced simply by exposing yourself to the feared situation more often.  For example, if you are a salesperson who is afraid of phoning new potential customers, you could set a goal for yourself of making fifty calls to new people every day.  After a few days of this effort, you will become much more used to the activity, and it’s very likely that being rejected by the customers will no longer bother you as much.

Another way you can reduce your fear of rejection, is to look at the experience from a different perspective.  This is called “reframing”.

For example, as explained in the following article by author Peter Murphy, you can decide to re-label the experience of rejection as a form of feedback.  Instead of automatically thinking that being rejected means there is something wrong with you as a human being, you make a conscious decision to view rejection as a signal to try a different approach next time.  You can decide to see rejection as part of a learning experience.  Rejection can be viewed as simply a form of feedback about your behaviour.

Instead of viewing rejection with fear and strong negative emotions, find a way to view an experience of being rejected in a more positive, or emotionally neutral way.

By reframing rejection so the negative emotional impact is reduced, you can then look at what you need to do to make the situation better. 

(This introductory comment which appears above is by Royane Real, author of “How to Overcome Your Shyness and Your Fear of Rejection and Have the Friends and Lovers You've Always Wanted”. 

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Feature article

Reframing Rejection

By Peter Murphy

Fear of rejection is one of the greatest fears shared by all human beings. Nobody wants to feel left out, unwanted or unliked.

And at the same time what we really want is to be loved and accepted by everyone - that would be bliss.  It will never happen though, because we all have biases, opinions and beliefs that color the way we look at the world.

Some people will reject us no matter how good we look, no matter how successful we are, and no matter how giving we are.  If we were to become even nicer, and even more spiritually aware they would still reject us, so it is a pointless battle trying to win over everyone.

However we can change how we think about rejection.  If we change the meaning of rejection it can become our ally instead of our enemy.

Next time someone rejects you, why not take it as feedback instead. That is, your approach did not work and you need to try a new approach.  In sales, the salesperson must view rejection as feedback or else she will slowly go insane!

So let us view rejection as feedback.

When you are rejected, immediately set your mind the task of intelligently answering this question “How must I change my approach to get what I want?”  By doing this, you shift your attention back to what you can do,  and off the other person whose approval is theirs to give or not to give.

Let us take the example of asking someone to help you with a project at work.  You are afraid to ask for help so when you do, your coworker can almost smell this fear of rejection coming from you.  So he says “No”.  He is far to busy to help you today.

Now immediately ask yourself the feedback reframe question - how must I change my approach to get what I want?

Asking this question will give you an unlimited range of new approaches to use: maybe smile more, or bribe him with a soft drink, or perhaps offer to do some of his boring work in return for help.

It also helps to anticipate rejection before it has a chance to happen. In the case of the example above, before talking to the colleague I would spend a few minutes in preparation running through possible ways he might reject me.  For each possible situation, just keep asking yourself - how must I change my approach to get what I want?

You may not realize, most people just give up too easily because rejection feels so unpleasant.  If you reframe rejection to mean feedback it becomes a mental puzzle to solve instead.  You will then be able to endure the word “No” a lot better and longer.  

This endurance will also encourage others to let you have what you want because you just do not seem to take “No” for an answer!

****Warning: maintain rapport at all times when you use this approach, this new found courage and tenacity is only appreciated by others if you use it with a win-win outlook.****

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert and published author. Subscribe FREE to his upbeat newsletter and get a FREE e-book, which reveals secret strategies for supercharging your communication skills. To join send an email to: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it mailto: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it http://www.topica.com/lists/AbolishShynessToday/

Article source:   http://www.upublish.info 

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